Withdrawing into the Pit

Blah. Blah blah blah.

I hesitate to blog about being depressed.  I feel like I am being so boring.  What can I say that many others haven’t already said, probably with better words?

This feeling of having nothing interesting to say is the same reason I start to withdraw from friends, because I feel I have nothing positive to add.  I’m no fun.  I’ll drag them down.  They won’t like me anymore  So it’s better not to bother them.  And anyway I’m too tired.  These are all the thoughts that go around and around in my head.  Which makes me think I’ll just lie in bed and wait for this darkness to past.

It’s such a waste of a beautiful spring day, I think.  I’m wasting my life, I think.  Another reason to be aggravated with myself, to be discouraged, I think.  I can see how the negative thinking isn’t helping, but it’s hard to stop it.

If you read my earlier post about therapy with Hannah, you’ll know what I mean when I talk about looking at the garbage in the garage.  That’s what I am doing now in therapy, in the hope that it will lead me towards longer-term healing.  But right now opening up the boxes with all the garbage in them is making me feel very sick and is sucking the vitality out of my life.

I just want to crawl into a hole, even though it’s dark and lonely there.  That’s the tricky thing about depression: it makes you only feel like doing things that make you more depressed.  I know this from experience, and yet I’m there again anyway.

9 thoughts on “Withdrawing into the Pit

  1. I am sorry that you are feeling this way. Hoping that the feeling will pass soon and you can enjoy more of Spring. When I feel low something that helps is the universal tRuth that ‘feelings are not facts and that every feeling has a beginning, middle and end’.’ Take care

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I just cannot hit the ‘like’ button because I don’t like that you feel this way.
    I try to accomplish what I can in the morning then my body has had enough. But on tougher days, like today, maybe not even then. As I rest looking out at a stellar day, I have to use great focus in remembering that it’s OK to respect my needs, my body’s, or my mental/emotional state.
    Rest. It’s more than OK, it is necessary. I think to myself as look out to the brilliance of a sunny day, everyone else is out gardening, working, running, biking, walking, whatever, and I lay like a slug on the couch? Yes. I remind myself yes. I’m not like everyone else who seems to breeze through life like energizer bunnies. Just keeping secrets for life was draining. Add on to that my body’s unconscious energy used to block out the trauma’s that are too terrible to remember; even now.
    Sometimes I need to rest the body, mind and spirit. Lie like a vegetable. Energy returns. I can’t always succeed at giving myself this permission. Guilt and self-flogging comes much more easily, but I’m learning to look at my needs and not compare to others. That’s what created a chronic problem for me anyway.
    Hope you feel better. Sometimes I walk just once to creek and sit, instead of the 5 laps. One slow, easy, restful stroll.

    Like

    • You are right – it is hard to be ok with letting myself rest. I am trying to tell myself that if I were sick with a virus, I would let myself rest. Instead I am sick with depression. It’s just another sickness, and it demands, like any other sickness, that I take care of myself. Thanks for the good reminder.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. There’s something valuable about blogging about it, though. It makes the rest of us feel less alone. I am so sorry you’re there. I’ve been there, too, and I hate it.

    Like

    • Thanks. You are right, actually. I read other people’s blogs about being depressed, and even when it’s something very familiar, I don’t think it’s boring. Instead I feel like I am not so much “crazy” as suffering from a sickness that other people have too. And importantly, a sickness that other people have recovered from. So it gives me some hope.

      Like

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