So little one, I am really working on believing you. I am actively blocking Doubt when she tries to come in the room (go back to the beach, I tell her); I have also cut off Random Negative Rants, who has felt the need to speak up yesterday and today. (RNR is a big bore, endlessly repeating unhelpful observation about what a stupid bitch I am.)

I have struggled though, to hear your voice. You are so quiet. E. said maybe I could hear you better if I let you express yourself in other ways. We talked about collage and touch painting (a variation on finger painting). Even that’s a little challenging because I have taken enough drawing and painting classes that it’s hard for me to let go of “the rules” and ideas about composition. You and I did a little drawing yesterday, some with my non-dominant hand. This evening we messed around with some simple printing.

And you surprised me. I think I expected fear, shame, confusion, hurt, neediness… but not anger. I’m glad you told me.

paint1