Dear Q,

I have to remind you that you are a cowardly, self-centered bitch. You think way too much about what a poor victim you are and how you have had it oh so hard. What a crock. You are among the most privileged people in the world–a well-educated middle class white woman in the United States. Get over yourself already. So your boundaries were violated. Doesn’t that happen to tons of people, physically and emotionally? You think you are unique? You think it matters? You whine too much, poor, poor you. And yet you are too afraid to even use your real name! Furthermore, you can’t face facts. You try to cover up times you acted like an idiot slut and pretend like they were instances of victimization. You…

(loud throat clearing noise to signal an interruption) ahem!

Dear Random Negative Rants,

Enough already. I get it, you have been trying to keep me from fixating solely on one aspect of my life; you’re trying to make sure I don’t fall into the pit of self-pity. But your approach and tone are simply not constructive. In fact, your words just makes things worse. I have listened to you for years, and you don’t even vary what you say very much. I think I got the message by now. So I don’t need you anymore. You are officially relieved of your duties.

Please have your desk cleaned out by noon today. I’d appreciate it if you don’t leave anything personal behind. Thanks,