I was still agitated this morning (“activated,” my therapist called it–I had called it “triggered”). The little girl did not go right back into hiding after yesterday’s therapy session. She was still busy expressing herself. E. tells me that if the little girl can’t tell us in words everything that happened, she can tell in other ways. One way can be through the body sensations. She communicates what happened a long time ago through my body now. I feel the sensations still.
It’s as though I have always had these feelings but never understood them before. I thought they were something bad that I had to repress. Suddenly I experience them differently. They have become an important way for the girl to tell her story.
Little one, I want to tell you that these feelings are intense and more than a little scary. But it’s ok to share them with me. I am a grown up, and I am safe now. I can handle your feelings, all of them. I can handle the fear and the anger and the pain and the confusion and the love–all of it. Don’t be afraid to tell me. I want you to share all these big feelings with me. I will do my best to sit with them, to accept them, I will resist the urge to burn them away as I’ve done in the past. My husband says he believes you too, and he will help me cope with your pain. My therapist believes you. Some fellow bloggers—who understand too well what you’ve experienced—they believe you, too, and they encourage me to listen to you.
You protected people for a long time. You don’t have to protect me now. Go ahead and let it out, little one. I have help and support now, and I can handle it. I will keep listening to you.