Day 18 – Early Return?

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Dear Doubt,

You can be sneaky sometimes, can’t you? You saw that I was feeling vulnerable the past several days, and you took that as an invitation to buy a ticket and come home early. You thought it was a great opportunity to go on one of your rants.

But you are underestimate the sincerity of my commitment. I said I’d believe the girl at least through the end of July, and I meant it. No matter what you say, I intend to stick to that. The girl has been through so much already, and she deserves at least these five weeks free of you. I don’t care if I’m vulnerable. I don’t care what you whisper in my ear. I am sticking to the plan.

You wasted your money on that ticket. The door is locked to you. Go back to the beach–or anywhere, I don’t care. Just leave us alone.

Sincerely,

Q.

I’m sure these posts don’t make a lot of sense to anyone who just drops by for the first time. I’m on Day 18 of my commitment to believe the girl–my earlier self–who experienced childhood sexual abuse. It’s a big deal for me to fully believe her because I have allowed Doubt to torture me for a very long time. I’ve been using my blog this month to document my experience of believing the girl.

11 thoughts on “Day 18 – Early Return?

  1. I’m proud of you. I experience the very same anxiety when I’m about to embark on a journey. It’s that voice inside of me that says, “You’re not strong enough!”

    I have news for that voice. I’ve been called away from the comfort of home to help a family thru a crisis, while I’ve been away, a crisis back home has occurred. I have been tempted to run between two fires, but logically I have come to understand that I am where I need to be at this time. It is impractical for me to travel between each situation.

    You can do this. I know you can!

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    • The negative voices can be very noisy unless we take an active stance in favor of more compassionate voices.

      I’m sorry you have two crises in your life at the same time. One is hard enough! Best of luck to you, and listen to the compassionate and gentle voice inside of you that says: you have the strength and wisdom to know where to put your energy at this challenging time.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Just love the way you put this post, with ‘doubt’ the return ticket. I so get it as I deal with doubt daily.
    I wonder if along with the extreme doubt, there might a good deal of protection involved, protection of others that is. I believe a good portion of my inability to confront my past was because I had been trained not to, and doing so went against my so called ‘family.’
    We are born to one ‘family,’ going against it meant annihilation. Nothing. My instincts, even though they were trained instincts, were focused on how it would affect them, with no thought or concern over myself or my own ability to survive; because it is that big, survival. I could pretend just so long.

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    • Yes, you really get it. I was just thinking last night that the reason I have had a hard few days is probably the therapy session last week and just in general all the “telling” I have been doing. And Doubt is a way of hiding from the consequences of what that means for me and for my family. So in some ways I shouldn’t take such a sharp tone with Doubt. She’s has worked for years to help me cope, to protect me from those consequences. Maybe I should tell her, “hey, don’t come back early from your vacation. Have fun! I’ll do fine without you.”

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ve found that doubt and shame are buddies. It’s shame that travels in doubt and urges me to not tell or feel as I do. I woke up at 3am realizing I had told. I can’t explain that and if I was 12 it would make more sense. But there’s such shame in still feeling scared, flashing back to the past because of intimacy, my house being torn apart, the eating, needing anyone,and just everything. So yes! Good Bye doubt because I’m done with shame as well.

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