Day 23 Part 2 – Nothingness

It’s strange how the suicide of my cousin’s son is affecting me. I’m shaken in a way I didn’t expect. I feel it’s opened the door to Doubt, the door I’ve been keeping closed all month. I’m thinking I’ve gotten it all wrong. Nothing really happened to the little girl. Maybe she just felt she wanted some attention she didn’t get. Maybe when she grew up she fell into a deep depression and needed for an explanation for it and created stories in her head. Maybe there’s really nothing there. Maybe she’s really nothing at all. I don’t know why I feel this way. Maybe it’s that my issues are so trivial compared to those my cousin faces. I’m confused. I’m nothing. I’m tired.

10 thoughts on “Day 23 Part 2 – Nothingness

  1. Doubt and confusion seize hold of me all the time when death is the subject. Perhaps the best we can do it to take it as a spur to lead our own lives fully and with integrity, but I don’t think there is any right or ideal way of dealing with it. *hugs*

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    • Thank you, that is a very wise response. I think I will get there–I mean, where I can see it as a spur to live my own life in the best way I can. Not there yet, but all the kind comments are a comfort.

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  2. It’s okay to have compassion for both your cousin and the little girl. It’s okay to give her a gentle hug and tell her to wait while you grieve. She is young and doesn’t understand death let alone suicide. She is confused and scared and sad and not knowing why you backed away from her. She only needs you to reassure her that you are still there. She loves you no matter what.
    Doubt for me always questions if the girl just created some massive mess of lies to explain why her adult self broke down.
    It’s okay to be confused. I love you.

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    • I love how you get it, especially the source of that pesky Doubt. And thank you for reminding me that compassion is always the best choice for a response: compassion for others, compassion for self. Thank you, thank you.

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  3. Doubt is just insidious, isn’t it? Looking for any reason to confuse you. Using a tragedy as leverage. Doubt is a coward, but you aren’t. It is okay to be in that place of uncertainty, as it reminds you of the truth. Sending support and gentleness your way.

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    • “It is okay to be in that place of uncertainty.” Thank you for that. It’s easy to slip back into thinking “I shouldn’t be feeling this way,” or “why don’t I feel this way instead of that way.” I appreciate your support and the gentle words.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Death makes us question everything, and the nearer it is, the harder the questions. Maybe it’s because you see someone ending their life because they couldn’t take it anymore and your brain at some level recoils in fear at the thought that you might end up in a similar place. Surely it would be easier to deny a memory? I find it’s better to deal with one emotion at a time, even more so for people like us who live in fear of our emotions running out of control….

    Liked by 1 person

    • Uh huh, I think you are right, one big emotion at a time. Focus on the grief for my cousin and his son. I can come back to doubt and healing. Those issues will still be there. I don’t need to confuse everything right now.

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