I’m doing so much better than I was a few months ago. I am still stumbling along my path to greater health, but most days I can feel the progress. Other days, however, I almost feel that a part of me is resisting getting better, as though Depression is trying to pull me back in: “Come back, I know you. I am the true you. We belong together. Come back, and feel the drama of extreme emotions. I’m danger. I make your heart beat faster. Come back and understand again what it is to feel you are floating alone in the world, unable to connect with anyone. You feel unique, different from all the rest.”
For some reason, today’s a bit of a hard day, and Depression has been singing her song at me much of the day. But I know she’s a liar, especially about the dramatic emotions. I remember that Depression is actually boring and feels like a waste of time. The danger is real, but not at all exciting.
At the same time I have to admit that sometimes I feel pulled to that darkness again. Is it just because I know it so well? Is it because I am afraid to be healthy, because I don’t know what it means? I don’t know what I am attracted to.
On the positive side, I could see today that some of the skills I have built up by resolutely believing in my wounded inner child these past 59 days have carried over into skills that help protect me. For example, Depression has some one-liners she likes to whisper in my ear over and over. One of her favorites is: “You are the kind of person who doesn’t deserve to live.” Today she started, “You are the kind of person…” and I just stopped her. “No. No, I don’t need to hear the end of that sentence. I don’t need to hear that. I wouldn’t say it to the little girl, and you don’t get to say it to her or to me. Just shut up.”
Surprised, she did go quiet. But she lingered around this evening. I wonder what she has in mind for me.