Day 63 – Rethinking the House Already

The upcoming return of Doubt is really frightening the little girl part of me. After all, Doubt’s main message has been that there’s no evidence that the little girl was abused. No one noticed at the time. There are no scars. My father, who has had a traumatic brain injury, has so many memory problems that he’d never be able to confirm the memories, even if he wanted to admit it. The memories are fuzzy and woven of a different fabric than most of my childhood memories. And Doubt uses all that to say, “it probably never really happened,” and “you made it up as an excuse to explain your long-term depression, which may just be a really bad attitude,” and other similarly friendly, upbeat comments.

Just the idea that Doubt will be returning, even with new house rules, is profoundly unsettling to the little girl. It causes a lot of inner turmoil and an increased desire to self-harm. The little girl thinks may she should just disappear.

Yesterday I wrote about rearranging a house that would contain all the different parts of me. Today I’m wondering about what that means and how it should work. Should Doubt even have a place in the house? Does the house represent my whole existence, so it needs to really contain all parts of me? Or is this house the place where the girl lives? If it’s the girl’s house, maybe Doubt shouldn’t get a room there at all.

One thing I am sure about: I need to protect the girl. She has become stronger during the two months I have committed to believe her. But she’s not fine. She still needs a lot of compassion and care. I still need to learn from her about the long-term impact of her experiences. Does allowing Doubt in the house put all that in jeopardy?

I’m feeling confused this evening, more anxious, hearing the whispers of Depression. Doubt may be even more unhealthy than I realized. Maybe the good things I noted about Doubt are all in other spheres of my life. Maybe in this sphere there is no room for Doubt at all.

13 thoughts on “Day 63 – Rethinking the House Already

  1. A house can have a room with a locked door that only opens when you use the key. A house can have a shed out in the yard that you only visit when you want to. A house can have a wing that you tear down, or you can add an extra room later when you need it. It does not have to be fixed into one shape forever.

    Also, I think I agree with the comment that maybe Doubt needs to evolve into something more useful. Or be banned altogether. After all this time of believing the girl, it would be awful to see Doubt just shove her back down again. Maybe Doubt has to live in the garden shed and just wither away out there.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My initial response was that you, the little and Doubt are all really one. No matter what, doubt exists, whether you listen to her is up to you. Whether you believe Doubt is up to you.
    With that being said….
    I literally have a room (actually an addition on our home) where Doubt lived. That addition was built on our home when no one was listening to the little girl. No one knew she was alive. She hid. I pretended she didn’t exist. Once that addition was built Doubt suddenly existed, the girl began to emerge in fear and desperate to be set free. I’m not sure, but I think the room had to be built in order to disbelieve Doubt. The girl nearly had to die in order for me to believe the girl. The overwhelming evidence of anxiety, panic, self destruction speak for themselves. Without the addition there would be no doubt or belief or even the little girl. The addition still exists but things were rearranged and belief doesn’t just disappear. Once you believe you can never fully doubt again.

    Liked by 1 person

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