Done with Denial

Dear Doubt,

I know September was supposed to mark your return after your enforced vacation at the coast in late June. Your absence has given me a lot of time to think, and I have learned something, several somethings, in fact.

First, I came to realize that you are a source of tremendous negativity in my life. You call yourself Doubt and claim to be my rational, empirical side, evaluating the evidence. But in fact what you do is dismiss emotional and intuitive and experiential evidence in favor of non-obtainable evidence (DNA? confession?) that I experienced sexual abuse as a child. Then you heap scorn and abuse on me for not providing evidence that can’t be provided. You accuse me of being gullible, morbid, a malingerer, and worse. You encourage me to hate myself. Not surprisingly, I feel better when you are not around.

Second, although for a while I thought you played multiple roles in my life and could be a positive force as well, I was wrong. I thought you were helping me see through suspicious, unscientific claims. I thought you were making me skeptical and analytical. But now I don’t think so. You only talk about one thing: how I “made it all up.” I gave you credit for my questioning nature and my research training, for my interest in learning and curiosity. But you aren’t even curious about my memories; you are only dismissive. I have come to realize that you only masquerade as Doubt (or Discernment or Good Judgment). I’m pulling off your mask now and calling you what you are: Denial.

You have been around in my life a long, long time–ever since these memories first began to surface during a crisis period in my life. In all those years, you have been a source of immense pain, and you have never let me take a single step toward healing. You have been a giant rock blocking my path toward wholeness. You have held me back in my life, sucked away energy and happiness. In the two months since I sent you away and committed myself to believing and caring for the wounded girl within me, I have made more progress than in all those years.

So what I have learned, ultimately, is that I don’t need you. I don’t trust you. I don’t want you anymore. I am done with you, Denial. You are not welcome in my house. You are not welcome in any part of my life. You can hang around outside if you like, but I’m not going to pay attention to you. If you make too much noise, I’ll send my dogs out. They are young and energetic, a pit and a rottweiler/lab, and though they are loving to me and my friends, they can get a little worked up about unwelcome intruders. I have these dogs in real life, but they can jump the line into my metaphorical world any time I ask them to. So I suggest you keep your distance.

You can starve and wither away; I don’t mind. That’s the fate you tried to inflict on the girl, after all. But she’s a tender, affectionate, frightened, sometimes hopeful little one, while you are only harsh, cruel judgment. That’s why I am choosing her over you.

Most sincerely not yours any longer,

Q.

2014 4-22 Kill the Bunny (9)    2014 10-12 Daisy

These are the very scary (?) dogs that can chase off Denial, if need be.

12 thoughts on “Done with Denial

  1. Well, if your dogs love you even a bit as much as my dogs love me that will not let Doubt come near. They will protect you and keep you safe. Grrrrr
    I agree that the past few months have been more healing than years and years of past therapy. I may not “feel” better but I am better and I kind of think you know what I mean. However, keeping Doubt away is scary. I cant explain why and you would think it was in the reverse. But without it it makes everything real and the validates “why” I was so messed. I have so much to say about that but I don’t know how right. 💜💜

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  2. Denial – I see her as the wicked witch, with her long nails and she scared the little girl into submission. I see her folding her arms and blocking the little girl’s way every time she wanted to walk through a door to escape. She’s vindictive and she will never be on the little girl’s side. I’m so happy to hear that you slammed the door in her face xx

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  3. “But you aren’t even curious about my memories; you are only dismissive. I have come to realize that you only masquerade as Doubt (or Discernment or Good Judgment). I’m pulling off your mask now and calling you what you are: Denial.” This was a great chunk of writing. Very powerful. And probably very true as well. BTW–love the dogs.

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  4. Oh, how wonderful! Shame on Doubt/Denial for blocking you for so long, and YAY YOU for having the courage to look her in the face and name her! So glad to hear about this. It sounds like a huge step.

    Also, your dogs are so beautiful I wish I could throw my arms around them for a cuddle. 🙂

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