I Don’t Want To Be Fine! (Maybe later, but I’m not ready yet…)

Don’t tell me how well I’m doing; ask me how I am.

Don’t tell me how far I’ve come (I know that myself); ask me where I am now.

Don’t ask me how I’m fucking FEELING because I can’t even find my feelings. I don’t even have any. Real people have feelings but I’m not a real person. I’m a bunch of thoughts going around in a circle.

Don’t try to make me be fine. I’m clinging to my illness because at least I know what it is. I’m childishly resisting fine. I’m being unreasonable because being reasonable and strong and functional has worn me out. I don’t want you to push me over there before I’m ready. I’ve been pushed enough.

18 thoughts on “I Don’t Want To Be Fine! (Maybe later, but I’m not ready yet…)

  1. It’s okay to not want to be fine right now. Really. You can be messy and numb and hurt or whatever the feelings are. I remember feeling like this at one point, it seemed like everyone kept telling me how great I was doing and I just felt like I was drowning inside, like I was half dead. It was awful. I just want you to know that I hear you, and you don’t have to be fine. Xx

    Liked by 2 people

    • It’s so helpful to know I’m not the only one. I can totally understand it, how others want me to feel better for genuinely caring reasons. Also they feel helpless to really make a difference, so they tend to put a lot of weight on whatever they see that they think is a good sign. But sometimes it just feels like more pressure, and I’m reacting to it like a stubborn child. Thank you for the reassurance that it’s okay to just feel what I feel right now.

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  2. Why is anyone asking you to be fine though? WTF is great about being fine, if it has to be akin to being dead inside? Let the swirls whirl through and let the waters settle where they will. I wish you peace, maybe not today, nor tomorrow; one day though.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Yes, Q, you do not have yo be fine. You took this three months off to work on yourself. Please let yourself be messy and not fine and sad and angry. Just acknowledging that something happened does not heal you. Now you get to have the feelings about it. Your feelings and the Girl’s feelings . It’s okay. Just be where you are. Tell us how it’s going.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Reblogged this on Under the Guise of Glitter and commented:
    I have had these days. I have raged out and hid under the blanks. I have lashed out and screamed, I’ve driven far past where I was supposed to go because I couldn’t deal with being fine. I wanted to be outside the fine box and cling to my illness. Because your clear thoughts where my train tracks of my derailment.

    Such a powerful piece.

    Like

  5. The first couple of weeks of my time off I felt this pressure to be fine. Like now I had time off and I should feel better. Then I realized I took time off to take care of myself. And that’s when I started to make changes. There are moments of godawful overwhelm and moments of grace-filled gratitude. I react like you do to the pressure of others. I like what my new T said about this being a journey. And you are only I week into your journey so hang on for the ride!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Pingback: Bad Start, Good Ending | la quemada

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