That letter yesterday to Miguel, my ex, didn’t bring me any relief at all. I don’t feel better or empowered. Instead, I feel flattened.
Maybe it’s the wrong approach, to write him a letter after all these years. It makes me think about him too much. It makes me remember the reasons I hate him. And somehow that seems to have turned my subconscious to all the criticisms he leveled at me over the years. I’ve been hearing them all day:
You are so lazy.
You don’t try hard enough.
You feel so sorry for yourself, poor you, such a victim.
You think somebody should take care of you, when it should be your job now to take care of others.
You do a lot of things but you don’t do any of them well. You never keep the house clean enough. You work but you don’t fulfill your potential. You are a half-assed mom.
I see the unkindness of his words. But Sunday I also saw the truth underneath them. I mean, I didn’t do much of anything the whole day. I took a shower. I watered the yard. I spent about 15 minutes meditating. I think “lazy” may fit pretty well. Probably a lot of the other stuff as well.
Yesterday I waited until my husband (current one, the good one) left to run errands so I could burn myself without him knowing. Actually that is a little hard to do this time of year since there’s the problem of light summer clothing not covering up a burn. Often in that case I go for the inner thigh, but later today I have my first pelvic floor physical therapy appointment (sigh of dread), and so the PT would see it.
Anyway, I’m supposedly not going to deny or drive away my feelings, but take the time to acknowledge them. So I sat down with my journal to write down the reasons I wanted to harm myself. I wrote a lot of negative things, all the bad thoughts that were going through my head, many of them words Miguel had hurled at me.
I didn’t feel good when I was done, but I didn’t feel like harming myself anymore either. So I didn’t.
Maybe I don’t need to rage at Miguel. Maybe my attention should be directed inward, to caring for the person he spent so much time mistreating. I don’t know. I’m supposed to allow myself to feel all my feelings, but Rage has me baffled I thought she was supposed to be my ally, and maybe she is, but we just don’t know how to work together yet. Now I don’t even know where she is anymore.