I Might Need To Quit Therapy

This would be so painful! But it’s also painful to have E pull away from me. She said things in session on Wednesday, a rare second session in one week, that made it seem like she was there for me, like she wanted to be. I thought maybe she finally understood about the very young part that was activated. That part is so young she literally can’t care for herself. And when this little one–practically a baby–is super activated, I need help caring for her, because I’m so shaken myself. I really thought she saw that.

But these past couple of days, it doesn’t feel like it. I’ve overcome my pride and asked–twice!–for reassurance that hasn’t come. Or at least hasn’t come in ways that resonate. (I do recognize that I am hyper sensitive these days and looking for signs that she doesn’t care).

If she can’t or doesn’t want to respond, I can’t keep begging. Each time it’s so painful. It’s humiliating to grovel, hoping for a few crumbs of caring.

I know she can’t do everything for me. I realize I need to try harder to care for myself, to work with my own feelings (hence the invitation to my front porch). But I want more help with it, dammit! When I doubt whether I’m worth the tons of effort it takes, I want her to tell me that I am. I need to know from someone “on the outside” that I value enough to work this hard to get better. And I just feel like she used to give me that and has stopped.

Her text today was about how hot it was. I commented on that but then changed the topic to something more serious. Which I can see she read but she did not respond to it.

If I have to take care of myself, by myself, then I’d rather not see E at all.

broken heart 3

5 thoughts on “I Might Need To Quit Therapy

  1. Oh, Q. I really get where you are coming from. Taking care of those parts of you is such grueling work and it sucks when a therapist seems to pull away. I don’t have any advice or wise words. All I can say is that I’ve been where you are and when I was, it turned out to be worth working through it and continuing therapy…whether with the same therapist or a new one. When I ran into this kind of thing earlier this year, my therapist eventually said to me, didn’t you know I was watching you? I really had not, but knowing that now will be a touchstone for me in the future when I feel at odds with her again….and my experience has taught me that it will happen again.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh Q, I am sorry. This is so painful. I think you are important to her. There is no way you are not. You are important to me. I know its not quite the same but i want to say it anyways. You are working so hard, and even this post, allowing your anger to come out about getting your needs met (or not) is progress. Can you invite E to your front porch to have a heart to heart? To ask what if anything has changed? I hope so because I think she does want to be there for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Q, I feel this sense of understanding in what you write. The pain, the feeling completely unseen and unheard and not important and really not mattering. Wondering why she isn’t getting it, why she isn’t meeting the need. It hurts so much, for the person you feel so vulnerable with to just not get it. And not give you what you are wanting and needing. I echo E, she cares and likely she just isn’t getting it – or else she would give you what you need. Because she does care, very much. She may have her own emotional blinders, and in no way are your needs not valid because of that. Sending a lot of love and support.

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  4. As I read this, I was wincing because I understand some of the painful and overwhelming feeling that you’re talking about. I agree with what Patty, Emily, and Rachel wrote above. I see from your past few posts that you are really struggling with this sense of not feeling heard, not feeling cared for – by someone you are so vulnerable with and need so much. I’m thinking about you and really hope that you are able to work this out with E. I can feel your pain in your posts and I know this is terribly difficult ground to navigate.

    I have this urge to tell you to talk to E about this, but I know how utterly ridiculously easy it is to suggest, when it’s (for me, anyways) one of the most daunting and painful conversations to have. From everything you have written, it does sound like E would want to talk about this with you. But that doesn’t make it easier.

    The following is likely not helpful and might be making this too much about me: When I feel an intense and overwhelming need to push away T, it’s sometimes because I feel that we’re closer (the danger zone) and this opens a lot of needs and feelings, and I need to push him away and quit. So this might be a sign that you’re accessing deeper feelings and trust for E, which brings up panic and anger and fear. (Wow, isn’t therapy fun?)

    T used to not understand how much pain I was in – because I seem really composed and calm, even when I am NOT calm and feeling suicidal and despairing. And he didn’t understand how much I needed him – even when I thought I had explained it. We eventually somehow got on the same page, but it wasn’t easy, because I’m not naturally expressive. I think my point is that E might genuinely just not understand the situation. And maybe if she did, she would be more in tune with you. But I know it’s the worst conversation to have and so painful.

    I apologise if anything I wrote was presumptuous and unhelpful. Please do keep writing and posting. I sincerely hope you are able to get to a calmer place soon.

    Liked by 3 people

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