This would be so painful! But it’s also painful to have E pull away from me. She said things in session on Wednesday, a rare second session in one week, that made it seem like she was there for me, like she wanted to be. I thought maybe she finally understood about the very young part that was activated. That part is so young she literally can’t care for herself. And when this little one–practically a baby–is super activated, I need help caring for her, because I’m so shaken myself. I really thought she saw that.

But these past couple of days, it doesn’t feel like it. I’ve overcome my pride and asked–twice!–for reassurance that hasn’t come. Or at least hasn’t come in ways that resonate. (I do recognize that I am hyper sensitive these days and looking for signs that she doesn’t care).

If she can’t or doesn’t want to respond, I can’t keep begging. Each time it’s so painful. It’s humiliating to grovel, hoping for a few crumbs of caring.

I know she can’t do everything for me. I realize I need to try harder to care for myself, to work with my own feelings (hence the invitation to my front porch). But I want more help with it, dammit! When I doubt whether I’m worth the tons of effort it takes, I want her to tell me that I am. I need to know from someone “on the outside” that I value enough to work this hard to get better. And I just feel like she used to give me that and has stopped.

Her text today was about how hot it was. I commented on that but then changed the topic to something more serious. Which I can see she read but she did not respond to it.

If I have to take care of myself, by myself, then I’d rather not see E at all.

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