This is not a story about my emotions all dressed up and parading themselves around as separate entities. This is not me maturely and responsibly processing my therapy session and trying to grow into a healthier person. This is just me, tired, uncertain, in the midst of a very big life transition.
It doesn’t feel good. Maybe it will in time–I hope it will in time; that’s why I’m doing this, after all. But right now I have a lot of emotions all at the same time: regret, sadness, anticipation, exhaustion (is that an emotion?), fear, resentment, disgust, impatience, doubt… Way too many emotions. I don’t think I even like emotions. Too much emotional activity just leads me to a lethargic self-loathing.
I have been trying to find the greater meaning in all this, but tonight I don’t care. I just want it all to be over. I want to crawl in a dark cave and stay there by myself. I want to burn myself so that my skin will ache and I will grow quiet inside.
“Remind me why it’s bad again?” I say to E. “It’s so effective.”
“But it’s primitive,” she tells me. “It’s effective only in shifting the focus, not in skillfully meeting the real needs. You’ve learned many other skills you can draw on. Burning has been reinforced, so it’s natural you would consider it. But ask your wisest self if it’s a good idea. I doubt she’d say so. Ask her for other strategies, strategies that show yourself the same kindness you show to others.”
I don’t feel kind. I feel grumpy. I feel nothing. A grumpy nothingness. Apathetic aggravation maybe. And then I think, really, do I still not have the ability to get myself through a transition? (more fuel for Self-Loathing). Wait, I know that’s not helpful.
You know how sometimes you don’t even want to help yourself? Or you think it might be a good idea, but it’s hard to rouse the energy? Sorry, I’m being whiny and pathetic tonight. It will pass. I’ll go to bed now and see what tomorrow looks like.