Just Outside the Universe

I’ve spent this summer feeling stuck. It was early July when E asked me if we could change the time of a session, and I spun off, soaring through space and landing on Planet “I-can’t-trust-her;-she-doesn’t-really-care,” where I have been residing uncomfortably ever since.

It’s cold and miserable on this planet, which must be a couple million light years beyond Pluto. My bones freeze out here. It’s sad, frightening and lonely; there’s no one to keep me company. Some days I stomp around in rage, but the only thing that happens is that I kick up a little frozen dust.

I have protested. I have strategized. I have pretended I’m not truly here. I have thought about it. I have avoided thinking about it. But in over two months, I haven’t figured out how to get off this frigid, lonely planet.

I have texted E (excellent cell reception out here), and from far away, she’s texted back. But those texts don’t carry me home.

Yesterday, I sat on the icy ground to meditate. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. And it came to me: I have to accept this, too. Stuck out here. That’s just where I am right now. I won’t be here forever, but it’s where I am right now. I can stop fighting it and let it be what it is.

And with that realization, it feels just a little less cold up here.

8 thoughts on “Just Outside the Universe

    • Yes, I like that idea too. It allowed me to let go of the pressure I felt to hurry up and stop being stuck. Why? It’s okay to be stuck. However long I am stuck is the amount of time I need to sit with my stuckness and learn what it’s about.

      Liked by 2 people

  1. Nope, you definitely will not be there forever. I’m sending you a hug to help warm you up. I’m going to tell you something, and you definitely don’t have to agree with me, but I don’t think a text from E is going to bring you home. I think eventually, you’ll build yourself a spaceship to come home. I know you need E on this journey, but you get to make choices…I just am learning this for the umpteenth time, so I might not make sense….but choices….

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    • Sigh. I know you are right. I am pretending she can tell me something that will bring me home, or warm up Planet Stuck and make flowers grow there, or something. But all she can do is remind me of the materials and tools I have to, as you say, build my own spaceship. I think I probably do already have all the tools and more or less know how to use them. The question is: do I believe I’m worth the effort? And I keep looking for E to answer that question, but in fact, I’m the one who has to decide I’m worth it. I think that’s what you are telling me. Choices… as in, I have to choose to rescue the frostbitten girl on that planet, when I’m ready. Something like that?

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      • I’m going to tell you that you are worth it. Even if it’s for the wisdom you share with me…but, you are worth it just because you are. Yup, I think that it’s up to you to rescue that frostbite girl. Even though I don’t always like it, something that MT told me lives in the front of my mind. That is that I have all the tools and knowledge to heal myself. MT is my guide to accessing those things.

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  2. My husband often says. “Just let yourself be”. Wherever you are sometimes you just have to let yourself be. your post reminds me of that. I have a set time with my therapist that really works. I would be upset if she changed it. She has given me great advice to bring my back when I am far far away. I think that is what a therapist should do. I don’t text her though. She said she had boundaries and we are not friends. This made me actually feel better because I felt it would always be professional.

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  3. Thank you, my Bloggy Friends. I had a really bad weekend being angry with something MT said, and reading this is really good. I am far away too and I will think about what you are saying. TS

    Like

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