After drawing on all my skills to manage my emotions yesterday, I am losing it today.

Over the last 10 days, I was trying something new with my venlafaxine (Effexor) prescription. Since I so often wake up feeling really low, I thought maybe the level of meds I take each morning might be low after 24 hours. So I started taking half the dose in the morning and half at bedtime. At first this seemed to be helping, but lately my dreams have been especially intense and since Sunday I’ve had a very sick stomach and can’t tolerate food (both sure signs for me of venlafaxine withdrawal). I’ve apparently screwed up my meds for myself. So I’m aware that this issue is probably heightening my reaction to feeling rejected in my therapy session Monday evening.

I went to bed at a decent time┬ábut tossed and turned for more than three hours, aching for my old steady, safe relationship with E, resenting her, and then hating myself for having messed things up because, well, that’s what I do. That’s why I should keep up a protective shield around me, because what’s behind that shield is not something people like. Or maybe we’re just done working together. It’s time to stop. Finally I told myself that I would call her today, rather than make myself wait until next Monday to bring this up.

I dozed fitfully after that, waking up, falling asleep, hot and restless. Towards morning I had a dream that she and I were going to meet to talk about this. My sister (who in real life does not know E) came up to ask a question, and soon E was busy with her. She became really interested in my sister’s issue, and she brought together a group of people from different professional backgrounds to talk about what my sister needed. I tried to say, but what about our talk? But she was too busy for me, and really she was enthusiastic and interested in this new project in a way she never was in her work with me. Ha, such a subtle dream, right?

I’m exhausted this morning, not rested at all, and I feel sick and dizzy. I also despise myself. I know (intellectually) that I am not pathetic and ridiculous but simply triggered. I know that the difficulties I am having in my connection to her is not because I am filthy and repugnant. But I feel pathetic, ridiculous, filthy and repugnant. I hate that even though I am not working, I can’t get anything done. I cannot access my skills today.

I texted E this morning asking if she had time for a call later today. This is scary to me. I’ve only asked for twice for a call. She responded quickly, saying sure, that she’d call me on a break. I hope the call will help. I’m very afraid it won’t, and then I am not sure what to do.

Even as I write this, I roll my eyes at the melodrama of it. I’m so worked up over something small again–another reason to be disgusted with myself, right? Ah depression, what a mind fuck.