If my depression is not like scarlet fever, then maybe it’s like an auto-immune disorder; the brain attacking itself.

I know what I need to do. Radical acceptance. This is where I am right now, with a brain that hurts me. Self-compassion. It feels bad, doesn’t it, dear? I’m sorry. Let’s see if there’s something we can do that makes you feel better, even if just for a little while. Exercise. I walked instead of drove to the library and pharmacy. Mindfulness. I can notice the “I’m useless” thoughts and let them float away.

Does this help? No! Fuck.

It doesn’t matter how many thoughts I let float away if two dozen similar thoughts fill in right after it. This racing brain can come up with new thoughts far faster than I can compassionately accept and then release them.

I can’t bear this. Yet that’s a ridiculous thing to say; I have to bear it. There’s no returning this defective mind and body and asking for my money back.

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