More Like An Auto-Immune Disorder, Then

If my depression is not like scarlet fever, then maybe it’s like an auto-immune disorder; the brain attacking itself.

I know what I need to do. Radical acceptance. This is where I am right now, with a brain that hurts me. Self-compassion. It feels bad, doesn’t it, dear? I’m sorry. Let’s see if there’s something we can do that makes you feel better, even if just for a little while. Exercise. I walked instead of drove to the library and pharmacy. Mindfulness. I can notice the “I’m useless” thoughts and let them float away.

Does this help? No! Fuck.

It doesn’t matter how many thoughts I let float away if two dozen similar thoughts fill in right after it. This racing brain can come up with new thoughts far faster than I can compassionately accept and then release them.

I can’t bear this. Yet that’s a ridiculous thing to say; I have to bear it. There’s no returning this defective mind and body and asking for my money back.

no returns.jpeg

12 thoughts on “More Like An Auto-Immune Disorder, Then

  1. I have actually found meditation and mindfulness unhelpful when going through severe depression Q. Even my mindfulness for depression book does not recommend this when in the midst of an episode. I’ve found the pain of the depression just surges up when trying to meditate on it, making me feel bleaker and more hopeless than I did before. The mind also is so distorted, that mindfulness of it doesn’t help. You are not alone in feeling it doesn’t help. It really doesn’t. The time mindfulness helps is in preventing severe episodes, not in the midst of one.

    I know we don’t have the same thing, but I go through a lot of depression. So for what it’s worth, I’ve found active things best – dancing to music, just a few minutes, shaking for five minutes, or expressing anger in any way possible. Being kind to self.

    I am sorry you are having such a rough time!

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s interesting; I hadn’t thought of mindfulness in the midst of a depressive episode as problematic per se. I suppose I thought it would be a good idea, though hard to achieve the same sense of mental space. What you say about mindfulness more as a preventative measure makes so much sense.

      I tried the dancing to music I like last night. It does buy me some momentary relief. There’s a lot of urgent, angry energy locked inside depression, and physical movement does help release some of it.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I agree with the others. I love your writing, Q (I don’t love that you’re suffering, but I find your writing so relatable… I love you how can use humor even when you are in the depths of despair – sometimes that is all we can do).
    “Does this help? No! Fuck. ” – I laughed! (maybe I shouldn’t be laughing – it’s really not at you, it’s with you, because this is me, every time I’m in a mood episode and try to use mindfulness and skills). Sometimes skills just don’t work. But major kudos to you for trying, for going one moment at a time.
    I’m sending you a big hug, if that’s okay. xx

    Like

  3. Offering you hugs too! Your comments helped me immensely the last few days Q, and I’m sorry I haven’t been in the space to write back yet.

    I too find mindfulness unhelpful in the midst of an episode. For me, I’m like “will this feel good and not hurt me long term” some days a hot bath or a nap feel right, some days they don’t. I take it in segments of time. Like “I am going to do this for the next five minutes cause five minutes is all I can handle right now.”

    I don’t know if those things help you at all, but know I’m still here and still listening and thinking of you as you navigate through this difficult period of time. Xx

    Like

  4. Pingback: Okay, Something Happened | la quemada

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