I felt such distress swirling around my heart after my appointment with E on Wednesday when we established, once again, that she won’t touch me or offer me any physical comfort. Thursday I went for a walk. I tried to meditate and give myself some mental space. those things helped, but not enough.

On Thursday evening I sent her a text–no words needed:

Girl Crying

Then I felt a little self-conscious about the intensity of emotion in that image, so I tried to soften it a few minutes later.

Lord how that girl just goes on and on!

E texted back:

Is that how you are feeling this evening?

Sort of.

I’m so so sorry.

I wrote a blog post about session yesterday.

Would love to read it.

I will probably share it.

But not tonight. It’s too tender, and now it’s close to bedtime.

Maybe tomorrow then. Be good to you.

Thanks. good night.

Good night dear one. 

Would you be interested in coming in tomorrow? I’m in the office and I have openings. Just thought I’d let you know.

I thought about that offer for a minute. The hurt part of me, of course, wanted to reject her back. No way, why would I want to go in and see her? But at another level, I knew I could carry the distress with me all weekend long, or I could simply bring it into her office the next day and see if we could soothe it at all. That might be better. Plus, she called me “dear one.”

Maybe. It might be a good idea.

How about noon-1pm? You can let me know in the morning.

After a restless night, the pain of this (perceived) rejection was the first thing I felt. It was heavy, sad, hot, angry, hopeless–a lot of emotions tangled up. I thought back to last year. We had a rupture, over nothing really, but it started in early July, and I didn’t really calm down from it until sometime in September. I couldn’t bear to repeat that. As scary as it felt to talk about my feelings about her no-touch rule, it felt even scarier to imagine carrying around that level of heightened distress for days, weeks or months.

Be brave, I told myself. Take a risk. Let her know how you feel.

So I saved a copy of my previous post as a PDF and emailed it to her (we’ve agreed that she doesn’t read my blog unless I send her a copy of a post in this way). And I accepted the offer of the noon appointment. Then I made myself a breakfast bowl of ground turkey, onions, kale, zucchini and rice, sipped my Earl Grey tea, and promised myself I would go to E’s office keeping my heart as open as I could bear it.