I Can’t Tolerate a Rupture

I felt such distress swirling around my heart after my appointment with E on Wednesday when we established, once again, that she won’t touch me or offer me any physical comfort. Thursday I went for a walk. I tried to meditate and give myself some mental space. those things helped, but not enough.

On Thursday evening I sent her a text–no words needed:

Girl Crying

Then I felt a little self-conscious about the intensity of emotion in that image, so I tried to soften it a few minutes later.

Lord how that girl just goes on and on!

E texted back:

Is that how you are feeling this evening?

Sort of.

I’m so so sorry.

I wrote a blog post about session yesterday.

Would love to read it.

I will probably share it.

But not tonight. It’s too tender, and now it’s close to bedtime.

Maybe tomorrow then. Be good to you.

Thanks. good night.

Good night dear one. 

Would you be interested in coming in tomorrow? I’m in the office and I have openings. Just thought I’d let you know.

I thought about that offer for a minute. The hurt part of me, of course, wanted to reject her back. No way, why would I want to go in and see her? But at another level, I knew I could carry the distress with me all weekend long, or I could simply bring it into her office the next day and see if we could soothe it at all. That might be better. Plus, she called me “dear one.”

Maybe. It might be a good idea.

How about noon-1pm? You can let me know in the morning.

After a restless night, the pain of this (perceived) rejection was the first thing I felt. It was heavy, sad, hot, angry, hopeless–a lot of emotions tangled up. I thought back to last year. We had a rupture, over nothing really, but it started in early July, and I didn’t really calm down from it until sometime in September. I couldn’t bear to repeat that. As scary as it felt to talk about my feelings about her no-touch rule, it felt even scarier to imagine carrying around that level of heightened distress for days, weeks or months.

Be brave, I told myself. Take a risk. Let her know how you feel.

So I saved a copy of my previous post as a PDF and emailed it to her (we’ve agreed that she doesn’t read my blog unless I send her a copy of a post in this way). And I accepted the offer of the noon appointment. Then I made myself a breakfast bowl of ground turkey, onions, kale, zucchini and rice, sipped my Earl Grey tea, and promised myself I would go to E’s office keeping my heart as open as I could bear it.

 

 

 

12 thoughts on “I Can’t Tolerate a Rupture

  1. So proud of you….it’s so hard, isn’t it, staying open even on an issue as painful as this. My therapist has a no touch policy too, and I also have an image of sitting on the floor by her chair, with my head in her lap, while she strokes my hair. I know that she will never offer a hug, or hold my hand, or touch my arm or back….continue to be brave, and hang onto what she can and does give you – calling you ‘dear one’ was beautiful and draws you close. I know these sorts of things cannot replace touch, but it’s possible you might find that they are enough, and if not, I know you will bravely deal with that too….thinking of you xxx

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    • Yes, it IS hard to stay open. You want to close up, run away, say something hurtful back. But I already know that none of those can bring my any peace of mind. So what can? Does it help if I sit there saying, “You are so important to me, and I want this comfort from you, and I feel hurt and rejected that you won’t give it to me?” That’s the big question for me. I have probably never done that in any relationship before, said, “I hate that boundary you are setting! It makes me mad! And I care about you and recognize you have the right to set boundaries. And you are hurting me!”

      It’s a lot to hold all at once, to not run away from.

      It does help, a lot, for her to say something like “dear one.” I melt a bit at that.

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      • I know you’ve had your session now, and I hope it went well, and helped a little. My own answer to your question, which may not have been your experience in session, is that when you do manage to stay open, sitting there and saying all those things that you want and feel, _does_ help. My therapist said that talking about the feelings and what I want (e.g. wanting touch), can help because she can validate those feelings and wants with words, even if she cannot give me exactly what I’m wanting. And I have found that as long as I go in there open, and talk about those things without recrimination or in an attempt to obtain them, it does feel validating and it does feel better to give those things voice and to have them acknowledged. It’s not the same, as I mentioned before, but it can help. So yes, say all those things, if you haven’t already! And if necessary, say them over and over, and you will both know it is not in order to convince her, but in order to experience vulnerability and validation and whatever the boundaries of the relationship allow. it’s definitely a lot to hold all at once, and not run away from, but you can do it – and may already have done! lots of love x

        Liked by 1 person

    • I’ll write about the session soon, I expect. It ebbs and flows. I feel a bit better, then I feel mad again, then I feel a little soothed because she listened to me, than I feel rejected again…

      Thanks for the good wishes. It helps a lot to read them! I appreciate the supportive comments so much.

      Liked by 1 person

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