I’m asking myself: is this pile of medications and supplements helping me? Am I making too many changes? Should I keep doing this?
Lately, I don’t think very much about suicide. It’s not that I have been beating down suicidal impulses, but simply that when I’m doing better, I don’t think about dying. But then there was last night.
Over the past six weeks, I’ve been working with a new psych nurse to clean up my overly medicated brain.
My body’s there, but my mind (and spirit) are gone.
Yesterday and today, my whole life is defined by medication changes. It’s all-consuming. I step back and look at myself in surprise, noticing I sleep in 15 minute increments, then wake up I can’t stop trembling or twitching, and it’s much worse in bed, when my muscles are more relaxed I’m cold, no, wait, I’m…
In recent weeks, I’ve spent more time in bed than I typically spend in three months. It’s just been a fairly steady slide into listlessness. I go to therapy but don’t make any progress because I don’t have the energy to do much of anything. I’ve never experienced this before. I’ve been depressed, yes, but…
If my depression is not like scarlet fever, then maybe it’s like an auto-immune disorder; the brain attacking itself.